When I was in seventh grade, my parents bribed my basketball coach to tell me to eat healthier because it would make me a better player. Lies! I was an average basketball player who preferred to live on pizza, pasta, cake, and a periodic apple, and eating peas, green beans, and stuffed cabbage would not make me one degree better. Every one of us has embraced lies at some point in our lives, and some of those lies are holding us or others back from becoming our best. Below are seven lies every leader would do well to stop believing, starting now!
1. If I fail, I will never recover.
Negative experiences may bruise you but will seldom destroy you. And they often produce the strength and growth needed for future leadership. For example, when Warren Buffet was in his early twenties, he applied to get into Harvard Business School but was rejected. While he was very disappointed at the time, he later looked back on it as the pivotal event in his life. Because he was rejected, he instead went to Columbia and studied under Benjamin Graham and David Dodd. These two thought leaders in the world of investing shaped him into the investing wizard (and uber-rich guy) he has become. Even shortcomings in our character do not have to result in permanent failure. Most leaders have been shaped by their greatest failures far more than their greatest successes.
2. I am fragile and bruise easily.
While I am a big advocate for leaders striving to create a culture of psychological safety, I am not an advocate of treating everyone like they are fragile flowers that get crushed with one wrong word. Bullies are people who try to use threats and fear to coerce the behavior of others. Most people learn to avoid them, ignore them, or even sometimes confront them. But having someone say something that unintentionally hurts you or offends you does not mean that you are being psychologically harmed or bullied. Feedback may sting, but it seldom harms. Don’t believe everything you have heard – you are far more resilient than you have been made to think. And what Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt state in The Coddling of The American Mind applies to more than just children: “The more we strive for perfect safety, the harder it is to venture out into the world and learn its lessons.”
3. If I could just be the boss, my life would be so much easier.
When CEOs, business owners, and other senior-level leaders share honestly in a safe environment, they will often express that with their responsibilities comes extraordinary pressure, constant demands, excessive hours, and seldom a time when they truly feel “off the clock.” Yet, when you talk with men and women who aspire to the top seats in organizational leadership, they will often express how much better life will be once they “arrive”! While you may gain a higher salary, a new title, and more authority, you will also face new challenges, more responsibilities, and higher expectations. It is not wrong to aspire to become a senior-level leader, but I can assure you of one thing – if you do arrive there, your life will NOT be easier! And this has proven even more true during the past few years of cultural upheaval.
4. The little things don’t matter as much as the big things.
Toto Wolff leads a group of over 1,800 people as the Team Principal of the Mercedes-AMG Petronas Formula 1 racing team, one of the most winning teams in history. The first time he visited the bathroom in his team’s hospitality area at races, Toto was shocked by how dirty it was. This was unacceptable! As a result, he hired a full-time hygiene manager to travel with them. The message he was sending was this – if you want to be excellent at the big things, you have to also be excellent at the small things. Leaders who allow complacency and sloppiness to take root in the culture will set a bad example for their teams, lose credibility, and fail to attract the best talent.
5. Leaders don’t compromise.
When Nelson Mandela was released from 27 years of imprisonment for defending freedom for all in South Africa, he did not take up arms and rally for revenge. Rather, he forgave and moved on to become the leader of the very country that imprisoned him. For some, the idea of compromise smells of weakness or lack of character. But leaders who never show tolerance fail to embrace the words of Paul in the Bible: Strive to live at peace with all people. To always show compromise means never fighting for your principles. But to always fight, means never showing tolerance to those who differ from you which can be seen as arrogance – we know more than everyone else, and we are “right.” Every leader would be wise to identify their non-negotiables, those few things for which you would never show compromise. Outside of those few, compromise is part of every successful leader’s life.
6. Making more money will make me happier.
If you are someone that does not desire just a little more salary, a little more savings, and a bigger 401k account, you are either lying or rich! Wanting more is not inherently wrong. For example, you may want more for security for your family. But if you want more just because it will allow you to buy a new home or new toy, you will be sadly disappointed. Why? David Green, founder of Hobby Lobby, expressed it well when he recently donated all voting shares of the company to a trust (worth 14 billion dollars!). In his public statement, he said, "Wealth can be a curse and, in most cases, if you drill down on it, wealth is a curse in terms of marriage, children, and things of that nature.” Most of us enjoy making “a bit more,” but if we think it will make us happier, guess again.
7. Different means dangerous.
Diversity is most often heard of concerning race or gender. But there are a lot of other ways people can be different than me. For example, education level, income, life experience, temperament, marital status, age, children/no children, styles of relating, and opinion/perspective. Both research and our life experience tell us that a lot of benefits can come from having exposure to greater diversity including better decisions and greater innovation. However, we also know that those who look or think differently than us can surface our insecurities, making it easier to label them as “dangerous” to our goals and positions. After all, life is much easier when everyone thinks and acts like us – but that seldom results in long-term health and success. It is a destructive lie to think that “different” means “dangerous” and now is the time to stop believing it.
Are one or more of these lies holding you back? If so, once you have identified which of them, talk with a trusted friend or coach who can help you learn how to replace those lies with truth – resulting in you becoming a wiser and healthier leader.
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Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
