Just like the wizard behind the curtain in the Oz movie, what people publicly portray can often be betrayed by what truly exists in their private lives. A manager brags about his success, but his family is a wreck; a pastor rails against sexual immorality but privately is having an affair; a leader acts as if she has it “all together” but privately feels like a total failure every night. Everyone has a private life and a public life, and there is almost always at least a slight gap between them. But the larger the gap between our public and private lives, the more we have to keep secrets. Secrets require a lot of energy and can sometimes result in a crash if and when people see the chasm between the two images of us. Here are some of the more common things others seldom see but are often at work in our lives and what we can do about them.
Disappointment
Life can be very bruising. Health issues. Financial stress. Work pressures. Family discord. Any one of these can serve as a sobering reminder that things are not turning out the way we had hoped or expected. The result is disappointment. While you may not see it and they may not share it, many of the people you cross paths with every day are feeling it.
Entitlement
Entitlement emerges when we believe we are doing more than others, better than others, or are more valuable than others, and therefore we should be getting more than we are. And you may be surprised by how many of us, deep down and behind the curtain, believe this. This is further fed by comparing ourselves to others in regard to position and pay. If I surround myself with people who tell me how amazing I am or who seem to be advancing faster than I am in life, the roots of entitlement will grow even deeper.
Fear
Fear is a powerful influence in most of our lives. When we are embarrassed or threatened by a person or situation, fear creeps, and sometimes crashes, into our minds. We may not acknowledge it and may even portray the exact opposite – extreme confidence. But behind the curtain, we fear loss – loss of respect, loss of position, loss of health, or loss of money. And it is residing in far more people than just you!
Emotional Fragility
Depression, ADHD, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and memory loss are just a few of the emotional issues people may be struggling with behind the curtain. Or they may have a family member struggling which has a challenging impact on his or her life. As humans, we are resilient but also fragile, and no one has unlimited capacity for managing such hardships. We can often “tough it out,” continuing to fulfill our basic responsibilities, but behind the curtain are fraying emotions. And one more negative event can result in an emotional crash.
Self-Medication
The harder life gets and the more painful it becomes, the greater propensity we have to “treat” ourselves. We write our own prescriptions. Alcohol. Food. Sex. Drugs. Anything that will make us feel better. Disappointment, fear, and entitlement can all feed the medication furnace. Since many people fear the risks of disclosing too much to others, they choose to manage these issues on their own, often via behaviors that will make whatever they are experiencing far worse in the long run. But it will provide a short-term fix of escape and reward or at least pretend to do so.
5 Ways to Manage What Is Behind the Curtain
So, how can leaders manage the unseen challenges in their lives and in their team member's lives? Here are five actions to take.
Remember – When dealing with others, remember that they all have a life behind the curtain and that life can be very challenging. If all we look at is what we can see in front of us, we will miss divine appointments to help others.
Connect – The more closely connected you are with those around you, the more you will know what they are dealing with and you can provide emotional support or practical help.
Reflect – As leaders, we must work to keep the distance between our public lives and private lives close. Remember, the greater the distance, the greater the secrecy and likelihood for living a compartmentalized, lonely, and even hypocritical life.
Be transparent – By practicing appropriate transparency with those around us, they see that we too are human, that we too have challenges, and that it is ok to be vulnerable with trustworthy people. Yes, there is risk. But nothing compared to the risk of secrecy and isolation.
Hope – The message of Jesus is a message of hope. He did not come for the perfect but rather the imperfect. He surrounded himself with flawed people. He offered grace for those feeling judged, forgiveness for those condemned, and hope for those who believe all hope is lost. And hope is the most powerful medicine for life behind the curtain.
Contact us to learn how our experienced coaches can assist you in growing your leadership.
Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
