“Every day of your life is going to be the worst day of your life until you conform to standards.” This is a statement that a Marine Gunnery Sergeant shared with one of his soldiers. The same words could be said about when we should speak and when we should not. Consider this variation: “Every day of our lives will be the worst day of our lives until we learn to shut up!” It is true that some people choose to not speak up when they should. But from my experience, personally and as a coach and consultant, there are far more times when people speak when they should not. Here are 7 times when silence should prevail.
1. When you are angry.
I once was meeting with a group of leaders when someone said something that I felt was intentionally designed to provoke a response. I obliged by lashing out, confronting what I felt was manipulative behavior. Following the meeting, I was disappointed that I did not keep silent and respond later – AFTER my anger was tamped down. So, one of the best times to shut up is when you feel anger rising within you.
2. When you are trying to defend yourself.
It is common to respond to someone confronting us by throwing a good counter-attack. Coaches and counselors like to call this defensiveness. It feels good at first, yet there are times when being quiet and listening is the better part of wisdom. Perhaps the messenger is sharing a truth that stings or maybe even an inaccurate picture of you. But a quick defense will seldom convince the other person they are wrong, and it will almost always make you look bad.
3. When someone is showing aggression.
I read the story of a woman raised in a dysfunctional home with a mother who was mentally ill. As a child, this woman learned that when her mom was “in a mood” and saying horrible things to her, it was better to keep her mouth shut. But that did not come naturally to her, and she often threw verbal grenades right back at her mom. However, this only accelerated the aggression of her mom and made her even more violent. When someone is becoming aggressive, either de-escalate, remove yourself from the situation, or shut up.
4. When you feel hurt.
Can you remember a time when you felt hurt by another person's comments? Perhaps the comment came from a good friend, boss, spouse, or child. They may have said it as playful teasing or thinking they were being helpful, but the way you heard it resulted in the same feeling I had when I was recently stung by a bee (but it felt like a hornet!). The instinctive response is to hurt them right back. You have likely heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people.” When we feel hurt, we need to do the opposite of what feels natural and either give a gentle response or be quiet.
5. When you are about to lie or exaggerate.
I read the memoir of a former CIA officer who did not fit the profile of what you would expect when you think CIA. Yet, as a former homecoming queen who was active in her church, she ended up serving in war zones around the world along with her husband. One of her superpowers was to sniff out someone who was not telling the truth, and a warning sign of deception was exaggeration. So, if you are in a conversation and find yourself going down a path of saying more than what is true or accurate, STOP TALKING. Remember this – the less we speak, the less likely we are to lie or varnish the truth.
6. When others are not interested in listening.
I have had several careers in my life, and all of them for the past 40 years have involved teaching or giving advice. From pastor to college professor to consultant – I have likely talked with and advised more than a few thousand people (no, this is not an exaggeration). Over the years, I established this guiding principle – do not give advice to people who don’t want it. There are people who act like they want advice but really don’t, and then there are people who just do not want your input at all. So, when you sense others are not interested in your advice, speak less… much less.
7. When you don’t have enough situational knowledge.
When we read a social media post or new headline or only hear part of a conversation, we may conclude (often inaccurately) that we have the full picture and prematurely weigh in. Situational awareness is knowing what is going on around you. Situational knowledge is having an accurate understanding of what you are seeing or experiencing. I can be aware of something, but that does not mean I have an accurate understanding of what I am seeing or hearing. Successful leaders keep their mouths shut until they have comprehensive situational knowledge.
Contact us to learn how personalized coaching can help you know when it is time to keep your mouth shut and when you should speak up.
Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
