There is an intersection near my house that has become notorious for accidents. Sometimes, there is more than one in the same week! Most of these accidents are caused by human error – not paying attention, not seeing the stop sign, or miscalculating the timing of when to go. Recently, the state installed signs with flashing lights at all points of the intersection warning people to slow down or stop depending on the direction.
In life, we should have flashing lights in our minds as well – warning us to pay attention, slow down, and think carefully before proceeding. When these lights are working properly, you will find that you ask yourself questions such as “Are you sure you want to say that?” or “Are you about to do something you will regret?” When the lights are delayed, you may ask yourself questions after the fact – still beneficial but often the damage is already done. It is exceptionally concerning when you stop asking yourself questions at all. Asking yourself questions could be the difference between saving your character and career and losing them. Here are seven questions to start asking.
1. Why do I sometimes exaggerate?
Have you ever caught yourself stretching the truth a bit? For example, you once, very briefly, met a well-known person but told others that she was a friend of yours. Or you went to a seminar at an elite university but then mentioned on your LinkedIn account that you attended there. Exaggeration stretches the facts. Author Stephen Covey said, “Every exaggeration of the truth once detected by others destroys our credibility and makes all that we do and say suspect.” If you tend to be an exaggerator, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What is it doing for me and to me?”
2. Why do I try to hide who I am?
Are you a bit too dependent on alcohol to help your mood? Do you have an online connection that is moving towards inappropriate? Are you struggling to get out of bed each morning because you feel so depressed? Do you have a child that is wreaking chaos in your home? These are only a few examples of the secrets we may be holding. In her book Anatomy of a Secret Life, Dr. Gail Saltz said, “Secrets can cause people to behave in ways that seem entirely out of character – to go to any desperate length to conceal what simply must be hidden, at all costs.” Secrets aren’t unique. Everyone has them. But when secrets become so dominant that they are causing harm to yourself or others, it is time to ask yourself, “Why am I so fearful of revealing more about me?”
3. Why do I tend to act in a flirtatious way?
Do you find yourself attracted to someone who is already married or is not your spouse if you have one? Would you be embarrassed if someone you knew saw the way you were acting with this person? If you find yourself dancing on the sharp edge of the sword of flirtation, your character and career hang in the balance. We are human and being attracted to others in itself is not really the issue. Rather, the issue is moving towards actions that are destructive and failing to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this,” before you actually do it.
4. Why do I feel a need to broadcast my accomplishments?
While bragging has been with us since humans began walking this planet, it has accelerated like a weed with the advent of social media. Whether it is someone telling others about all of their great accomplishments or posting on social media about their perceived success, bragging is an attempt to elevate oneself over others. While it is reasonable and even necessary at times to advocate for yourself, this is far different than bragging. I read a quote from an unknown source that said, “Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud.” The writer of Proverbs also said it well, “Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth.” If you catch yourself broadcasting your accomplishments, take a minute and ask yourself, “Why?”
5. Why do I blow up with anger so fast?
Over the years, we have seen several leaders damage their careers and credibility by failing to contain their anger. According to an NPR-IBM poll, 42% of those surveyed said they were more angry in the past year than previously. In addition, almost 1 in 10 Americans have severe anger issues. But have you ever wondered what causes anger? Here is a profound answer – when we don’t get what we want. Sometimes what we want is the right thing. If a person promises to do something by an agreed-upon time and doesn’t, we get angry because they failed to live up to their promise. The blow-up is a response to an unmet expectation. If you find yourself getting angry often and blowing up at others, ask yourself, “Why?” You cannot manage what you do not acknowledge or understand.
6. Why do I want more money, nicer cars, bigger homes, and more toys?
For most of us, there is something energizing about a bigger salary, the smell and look of a new car, or something even as trivial as a new water bottle. Yes, you read that correctly. One of my team members got a massive new drink tumbler – so tall you needed a ladder to look in and a handle to carry it! I was perfectly content until I saw that and thought, “I could use a bigger one.” And the hunt was on. Desiring a new car, mountain home, or water bottle is not inherently wrong. But when we do not understand the “why” behind it, we can end up on a train that never stops – fulfilling one desire after another because these things seldom give us lasting satisfaction. We all could benefit from asking the “why” question when it comes to money and spending.
7. Why am I so inflexible and dogmatic?
I heard a story about someone known for being highly dogmatic. When they were asked why they were like that, their answer was, “Because I am right!” That says it all. Often, there is an arrogance that underlies inflexibility and dogmatic thinking. I watched a documentary about the parents of a well-known reality TV family who had rigid inflexibility and used their religious faith to justify the dysfunction. I wondered how life may have turned out for this family (that now has a lot of brokenness within it) if the parents were humble enough to stop and ask themselves, “Why am I so rigid? How do I know I am right? Is there a way to be right without reflecting arrogance?”
You may be asking yourself, “What’s next? Even if I ask myself these questions, what am I supposed to do after that?” Remember, the goal is to save our character and career. So, if any of these seven questions could possibly trip you up, ask a confidant or trusted advisor to help you navigate through it. It is never too late to change.
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Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
