The Nine Mistakes I Told Myself I Would Never Make... But Did

The words jumped off the page of a Harvard Business Article and hit me square between the eyes. "If you're highly successful, your achievements are obvious. It's more novel and inspiring for others to learn about your mistakes.” (Harvard Business Review)

I have watched others I admire lead this way, and in my heart, it’s always something I have wanted to aspire to. But at the moment when the words “I’m sorry,” “I failed you,” “It was my mistake,” or “Please forgive me” would come to my lips, I simply froze. No, actually, I was afraid that these words would chip away at the outer façade of confidence, strength, and accomplishment that I desired to portray. I could not have been more wrong.

Here are the nine mistakes I told myself I would never make, but did, and what I learned that countered those beliefs.

1. I believed asking for help was a sign of weakness.

We all need help at some point. A house project we can’t seem to complete, a writing assignment we need edited, an ear to listen, or a plan for growth. I saw asking for help as a sign of weakness for a long time. What a mistake that thinking was.

What I’ve learned? Wise people seek counsel. And I seek counsel.

2. I believed fast was better.

A team sport is a game of many “speeds.” Moments of sprinting. Moments of jogging. Moments of stoppage. The best athletes understand the pacing needed to finish the game well. The world, your church leadership, and your friends will champion your speed, but in the end, it simply is not sustainable. The best leaders give up the momentary success and exchange it for a long season of success.

What I’ve learned? Speed kills. Pace and consistency lead to leadership success.

3. I believed my brokenness was resolved.  

Nope. Impossible. It took a week of intensive therapy to begin to understand the trauma related to my childhood. This trauma led to a season of brokenness that cost me my job and ministry. It fractured my reputation for a season (and maybe seasons). The result of this mess was waves of shame. When we experience shame, we tend to turn away from others. Its intention is to isolate and move us away from vulnerability. Dr. Curt Thompson speaks of shame this way in The Soul of Shame: “Shame wants very much to infect every element of our minds in order to distort God’s story and offer another narrative.”

What I’ve Learned? The words Paul speaks in Romans 12:2, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” are spot on. I need daily, hourly, and at times minute by minute transformation of my mind. My Bible, music, space, and community have been the keys to transformation.

4. I believed I was alone. I was not enough.

Over the past few weeks, I have met three different people in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s that have come to me and said simply, powerfully and quietly, “I feel so alone. Am I enough?” The very thing I have felt at times was now sitting across from me in the form of talented leaders, who felt so alone in their darkest moments. Today, I have surrounded myself with a community of men and women who speak truth into me, and I strive to listen.

What I’ve Learned? A circle of a few trusted friends is much better than a stadium of casual friendships. I am so fortunate to have a small circle of deep and abiding friendships.

5. I believed trust in God was overrated.

I was youthful and idealistic. I believed I could conquer the world. But when I look back at 25+ years of ministry, one of my first thoughts is that I have not trusted God enough! When the trust muscle should have been exercised, I went into accomplishment overdrive. I would will the idea, the plan, the message, or the challenge to success. Failure was NOT an option. Grit and determination are two critical ingredients to leadership success, but the foundation is a deep and abiding trust in God. He will see it to completion in His time. Today, many of us do not live in circumstances of deep trust. We do not worry where our next meal will come from or where we will sleep. We have little concern about feeling the heat of our faith. We need to find opportunities to lean into the trust muscle God seeks from us.

What I’ve Learned? Trusting God is a muscle that must be exercised regularly. I have found that time and prayer allow for me to see God work and to fully trust Him. God wastes nothing. The good and the bad.

6. I believed bigger was better.  

It might be. But it might not be. My first pastoral job was serving as a Youth Pastor in a great church. It was 8 great years of ministry. Incredible relationships. Retreats. Growth. Creative ministry all over the place. And just as I was contemplating a big move, one of my closest friends said to me as we were caroling in the small town of Emmaus, “Why would you give all of this up?” Why? I believed that it was the “next step” in my career, even when I had much of what I loved right in front of me. God has been faithful and allowed for me to experience wonderful years of service since, but what made bigger seem better? Me. Pride. Accomplishment. Sin.

What I’ve Learned? We should sense a call from one thing and a call to something else. The grass may look greener on the other side, but it still needs to be mowed.

7. I believed words were negotiable.  

I tend to look at the glass half full. I tell myself this is how God made me. Down 21 points and 2 minutes to go? I’m full of optimism. Paint a picture that is bad. I’ll find reason to celebrate its goodness. While these seem extreme, they paint a picture of loose lips. Inconsistency with what I say and what I do. Promises unfulfilled. Commitments missed. Too many yes’s and not enough no’s.

What I’ve Learned? I ask God every day to make me a person of gentle words, accurate words, and purposeful words. I honestly pray this every day! Crazy!

8. I believed my identity was shaped by success.  

One of the reasons I love to speak on the topic of identity is because I’ve been on the struggle bus of identity for years. The most fascinating people I know are the ones that surprise you with their success. You walk away thinking I would have never guessed they did all of that. I have spent seasons of life living off of the high of a false identity. It may feel great for a season, but it will always let you down. In time, it simply can’t last. Several years ago, Tom Brady was interviewed and asked about all of his success…Superbowl victories, NFL MVP, millions of dollars in contracts and endorsements. He said that while he is grateful for all of it, he is still not happy; there has to be more.

What I’ve Learned? “Identity success” will eat at you from the inside out. The core of who we are has to be rooted in our faith in Christ. We redeem our identity in nurturing relationships that keep us pointed to Christ.

9. I believed I could never tell the world my deepest mistakes and hurts.

I never would have been able to write the words in this blog at the age of 30. Declare that I am not enough? That there is something wrong with me? Impossible. Never. Somehow over the years, God has both gently and forcefully brought me to my knees and helped me to understand failure, grace, and redemption in a whole new light. What I am about to write I am still not sure I fully believe, but here it goes…

What I’ve Learned? I believe that God has more opportunity to leverage my weaknesses and mistakes for the kingdom than my strengths.

Brennan Manning summarizes this better than I can in The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out: “When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty… I am honest and I still play games.”

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Billy Dunn is a Senior Consultant at The Center Consulting Group and has over 20 years of church and nonprofit leadership experience. He serves as the Character Coach for the Lehigh University Men’s Basketball team and the Director of Ministry Leadership for Word FM. Billy has assisted with the launch of a number of nonprofit organizations and has worked with organizations and ministries across the world. Billy has an M.S. in Organizational Leadership and brings experience in the areas of leading change, leadership coaching, resource development, church growth planning, and strategic thinking and planning.