“Trust Who?” What to Do When You Lose Trust in Others

I recently opened a loaf of bread, and the first slice in the bag had a slight problem… MOLD! In the past, I would have tossed the entire loaf in the trash, treating the whole bag as contaminated even though it was usually only one or two pieces that were affected and the rest were fine. Perhaps this rings true of how our trust in authority works. In much of society today, if trust were a football game, it would be a thrashing, with trust on the losing team. On any given day, you can read about or listen to the symptoms of the erosion of trust, especially as it relates to anything institutional in nature. A lot of this erosion has been caused by high profile examples of authority being abused and people being victimized.

But one of the downsides of the constant presence of social media in general and news in particular is how a small number of cases where power or position were abused have been given an extraordinary amount of attention. And, like the moldy slice of bread, this hyper-attention can lead us to believe that every leader in that profession or institution is bad when that is seldom the case. Most doctors really do care about their patients. Most pastors are seeking to genuinely help their congregation. There really are politicians who genuinely care about how to help their constituents.  There are police officers that both care about and sacrifice for their communities. And many managers are looking out for the good of their employees. There are certainly consequences to placing our trust in leaders that squander it, but there are also devastating consequences in refusing to trust at all. So, what are we supposed to do when we lose trust in others?

1. Choose trust over cynicism.

When someone violates our trust, it leaves a nasty bruise.  The alternative is to never trust again, but that does not sound like a very good option. Do you really want to live in a community or work in a company where you are suspicious of every decision that is made and question every motive that is in play? We have to make a choice to either start fresh with trust or allow cynicism and suspicion to rule our lives and relationships. When you see your trust declining in regards to another person or organization, above all, resist all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t withhold all of your trust from any individual or group or grant all of your trust to them. Resist allowing cynicism and suspicion to rule you.

2. Watch your daily intake of information.

Hanging around a lot of cynical people? Listening to a particular commentator all of the time? Following bloggers who are one-dimensional in their message and thoughts? Some people make a living out of providing a constant diet of critique, and it does not matter if they have any expertise since that is no longer a qualifying trait to share your opinions. I recently learned of a book about church leadership written by someone who has never led a successful church. But the lack of credentials does not matter as long as there are people who chose to listen. Like an exemplary athlete who carefully watches his or her diet, smart leaders carefully choose the source of their information and the amount they ingest.

3. Test assumptions – especially your own.

Every one of us has assumptions or things we believe are true, underlying how we think about things. And our ultimate assumption is that we see things accurately. Multiple people can see the same car accident and have very different recollections of what happened. It would be hard to convince them that what they saw was incomplete or inaccurate. When you find yourself starting to distrust someone, test your assumptions. Ask yourself, “How do I know my thoughts or perceptions are correct?” and, “Why do others see this person or situation different than I do?” It is easy to test the assumptions of others, but it is much wiser to first test our own.

4. Pursue relationships.

Yes, there are people I don’t like. I doubt that comes as a surprise to you since I am confident there are people that you don’t like too. The way they lead others, talk to others, or act around others feeds the distrust you have towards them. And the less we trust someone, the more we try to distance ourselves from them which results in even deeper distrust. Years ago, I met a leader that I did not like. (I had my reasons, even if they weren’t all that good). A few years later, I had the opportunity to spend more time with this person and learn more about them. We ended up becoming great friends and confidants. So, when you find someone that you do not trust, such as a team member, neighbor, or boss, resist the natural tendency to move away from them and instead proactively pursue a relationship with them.

5. Hold yourself to the same standard you hold others to.

Most of us expect others to show us grace when we make a mistake. When we disappoint others, we want them to resist the urge to add it to the permanent record they hold in their minds. But if we are honest with ourselves, we are sometimes less than willing to do the same towards others. I recently read this interesting story about Abraham Lincoln. During the Civil War, Lincoln and his assistant John Hay were waiting for General McClellan to arrive at his home in order to talk with him. When McClellan did arrive, he walked past them and went upstairs to bed, totaling ignoring the President! And he worked for the President! John Hay was insulted and asked Lincoln what he was going to do about it. The President let it go saying it was “better at this time not to be making points of etiquette and personal dignity.” In other words, don’t make every insult or slight a 10. We want others to show us grace, and we would be smart offer the same to others.

We live in a very imperfect world made up of imperfect people. So, it comes as no surprise that our trust in others, including leaders and authority figures, may be damaged. But that does not mean it needs to remain that way nor that it cannot be improved. If you want to grow trust, give these five practices a try. And whatever you do, don’t throw out all of the bread just because of a little mold!

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Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.