8 Ways to Move from Brokenness to Resilience

Have you ever noticed how headlines can make you begin to wonder, “Is everything in this world broken?” For example, here are three headlines that caught my attention over the past few years:

• “50% of millennials have left a job for mental health reasons, a new study found…” Business Insider

• “71% of young people are ineligible for the military – and most careers, too.” York Daily Record

• “Coronavirus pandemic could inflict emotional trauma and PTSD on an unprecedented scale, scientists warn.” CNBC

These headlines are sobering. And they may explain why employers are having such a difficult time hiring and retaining employees, especially younger ones. Few would doubt that we are living at a time when an increasing number of people are struggling to cope with daily life. This blog is not written to address the most serious and complex issues of mental health that some people experience. Instead, it is written to address how each of us as leaders can build our own resiliency and help others do the same. The more we help ourselves and those around us to move from the label of “broken” towards a greater resiliency, the healthier we will be as individuals, families, teams, and organizations.

1. Control the rate of flow.

We cannot eliminate bad events and stress in our lives any more than we can completely stop exposure to germs and viruses. But we can sometimes control the rate of flow – how much bad news and stressful events we are allowing into our lives at any one time. Difficulty builds our grit, but it does it most effectively when we control how much junk is hitting us at one time. This includes limiting your intake of negative news and social media.

2. Things often get better with time.

Just like a wound after surgery, time does matter in the recovery process. Dr. Luana Marques, clinical psychologist and associate professor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, states it this way, “So there’s a huge bump in symptoms right away, and then about four months out of the trauma those symptoms get better on their own.” When it comes to rebounding from difficult experiences, time matters.

3. You are stronger than you think.

People are so much more resilient than they think. There have been times in my life, as well as in the lives of friends and clients, where it felt like, “I cannot imagine next week let alone next year.” And yet, a week or month later, we were still alive and leading. Dr. Michele Bedard-Gilligan, associate professor at the University of Washington who specializes in trauma, explains, “Most people are incredibly resilient, even those of us who are feeling really distressed or struggling right now.” We are so much stronger than we think.

4. Self-talk matters.

We talk to ourselves much more than we talk to others. You know what I mean – that voice within that is carrying on a conversation with itself! If we say we cannot get through this, it will be hard to get through it. Dr. Martin Seligman, an expert in the role of self-talk, says, “Changing the destructive thing you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.” Positive and accurate self-talk makes a difference.

5. Refuse to quit too easily.

I am reading a biography about Lieutenant General Chesty Puller who was the most decorated marine in U.S. history. The more I read about him, the more I realize I am very weak and he is, well, greater than Superman! He was tough and never quit or allowed others to do so. He fought in Haiti, Nicaragua, WWII, and Korea! When it came to the topic of pain, he described it this way: “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  While most of us will never be like this guy, we should resist the temptation to quit too soon.

6. Have a few great friends.

I have extensively read research about the importance of good friends, but nothing describes the benefits of a few great friends better than these memorable words in the book of Ecclesiastes: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.” When it comes to resiliency, having supportive friends makes a difference.

7. Focus on others.

When we are getting “slammed into the boards” (a useful metaphor from ice hockey!), it is natural to become hyper-focused on our situation. But shifting the focus to helping and serving others can be a healthier alternative. A friend once told me about a time when his wife was in the hospital struggling with cancer. Their lives were being dangerously disrupted, and he had trouble not fixating on their situation. One day, he had the chance to visit another family he knew who was in the same hospital dealing with a newly diagnosed cancer. Spending time with the child and the parents shifted the focus away from himself which helped both him and the other family.

8. Accept less than perfect.

About two years ago, I bought a new SUV. It was shiny, smelled great, and had zero defects in the paint. Now, there are french fries under the seat (not sure where they came from 😊), stains on the carpet, and dings on the doors. If I strive to have a perfect car, I will be regularly disappointed and constantly fearful. If I strive for a perfect life free from stress, anxiety, relational conflict, etc., I will be setting myself up for a constant sense of failure. We need to resist the expectations that life is always going to be good and stress is always going to be bad. The more we accept less than perfect, the more we can move away from the label of being broken and move towards greater resiliency.

Contact us to learn how our experienced coaches can assist you in growing your leadership resilience!

Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.