“I promise to listen to you if you promise to shut up!” Those were the words from a cartoon I recently saw. And they are probably truer than we would like to admit. We are taught catchy techniques such as active listening and mindfulness, but the reality is – listening is HARD. Here are five of the reasons listening is so difficult and what we can do to get better at it.
1. I’m distracted.
While we all claim to be great multi-taskers, the ability to do multiple things at once and still clearly listen to another person is far overrated. I cannot fully listen to you while texting someone else. Nor can I play a game on my phone, or watch TV, or even drive. The problem is not that you can’t listen while doing other things (because you can partially), but rather it is what you are missing in the communication while you are distracted.
2. I’m bored.
When was the last time you were in a conversation and felt like a tooth extraction would be less painful?! While it may be hard to hear, we all need to remember that just because you are talking does not mean the person listening is as interested in the topic as you. Boredom can be resisted, but it is hard to do for a long conversation.
3. I’m too focused on “me.”
This is related to but different from being distracted and being bored. If I am sitting in a meeting or on a Zoom call and reading, checking the news, or even doing other work while others are talking, it is evidence that I believe I am far more important than you. What you have to say is meaningless, and what I am doing is so much more important. This is disrespectful and can also result in missing key elements of information being discussed.
4. I’m thinking faster than you are talking.
God gave us brains that are beyond amazing. A few years ago, a study at MIT found the brain can identify images that are seen for only 13 milliseconds! That is how fast the brain can work. So, is it really a shocker that we have trouble staying focused when the person talking is operating like a 1975 Volkswagen Beetle but our brains are operating at the speed of a stealth fighter?! Not an excuse. Just a reality.
5. I’m certain that I know better than you (and also know what you are about to say).
Listening becomes even harder when we believe that we are listening to someone who is either wrong, boring, or taking an excessive amount of time to say something. This may be evidence of our arrogance as well as the fact that some people talk realllllly slow. There are times when we do know what they are about to say or that what they are saying is partially incorrect or flat out wrong. But we also may be wrong in our assumptions, making not listening well a very dangerous decision.
How to Listen Better
There are no easy fixes to the challenges of being a good listener. Consider these words from the Bible: “Be quick to listen and slow to speak…”(James 1:19). Listening is hard work that requires intentionality and effort. While there are many “listening techniques,” our attention span is far too short to focus on all of them. Here are a few of the ones I suggest we try:
1. Prepare to listen.
We should mentally take note of who we will be meeting with, the nature of the topic, and the potential diversions that may cause us to not zero in on the conversation.
2. Shut down distractions.
By having some self-awareness and awareness of others, we should be more prepared to temporarily shut down common diversions and distractions.
3. Schedule carefully.
If it is going to be an important conversation and we are not in a place mentally to focus, we should schedule the conversation for a time when we will be our best at listening.
4. Utilize others.
It can be especially helpful to have another person present for important conversations around a stressful topic. A second person can provide a safeguard regarding what is being said and heard.
5. Ask for clarification.
No one hears everything perfectly, and asking for clarification or testing what we thought we heard shows genuine interest in the person and the topic.
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Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
