How to Get Control of Self-Doubt & Rebuild Your Confidence

The 17th-century actor and playwright Molière, known for comedy in his day (think the ancient version of Saturday Night Live), said, “Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths.” And that is a truth many leaders experience even in the 21st century. Whether you have been let go from a job or received negative feedback from a supervisor or customer, the self-doubts that arise can be cruel and devastating.

Self-doubt is normal – even the most accomplished athletes, actors, business leaders, and musicians experience it. And for some, it can be virtually crippling. I know successful leaders who, after being let go, have had to work extra hard to garner the energy to pursue a new position. Doubts can overwhelm even the strongest person if they arise at the right moment. And these doubts will cripple them if they do not take the steps to regain control and rebuild their confidence.

If you are wrestling with self-doubt and a decline in your confidence, here are a few ways to get back up and move forward in your life and leadership.

1. Realize doubts are common to everyone.

Doubt can become the kryptonite of any leader and steal their vision. When self-doubt sets in, we can begin to believe we are broken and that others do not have doubts like us. But that is far from reality. The late Kobe Bryant, a basketball legend, said:

“I have self-doubt. I have insecurity. I have fear of failure. I have nights when I show up at the arena and I’m like, ‘My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I don’t have it. I just want to chill.’ We all have self-doubt. You don’t deny it, but you also don’t capitulate to it. You embrace it.”

 It is not just you – doubt even strikes the best.

2. Change your self-talk.

Self-doubt starts with self-talk. And that chatter can be loud, unrelenting, and overpowering. One of my favorite movies is Tommy Boy with the late comedian Chris Farley. Tommy is a bit goofy, makes a lot of mistakes, and has plenty of doubts. In one scene, he makes a mistake and refers to himself as “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!” Haven’t we all been there? When doubts set in, they usually begin in the brain, and once that cycle gets started, it can become like a car rolling downhill without a brake or driver. When doubts start to emerge, hit the brakes early by countering the negative self-talk with a voice that is more balanced and accurate.

3. Reduce catastrophic thinking.

Related to the point above, when a wave of self-doubt rolls in, it is usually riding on the back of a partial truth. For example, have you ever said something that sounded just plain stupid in a meeting? Or made an embarrassing mistake in an email or a report? Afterward, we can become hyper-focused on that one mistake. And while the error was real, it was likely not as bad as we made it out to be. And, in some cases, we inflate the mistake into something catastrophic even when it isn’t. We take it from a DEFCON 1 (least serious) to a DEFCON 5 (extremely serious). The best way to reduce catastrophic thinking is to acknowledge the mistake but remind yourself that it was a level 1 or 2 and not a 5. And keep reminding yourself every time it creeps back into your mind.

4. Invest in wise counsel.

It is easy to write about changing self-talk and reducing catastrophic thinking, but it is much harder to practice it when you are experiencing self-doubt. This is why having the help of others – good friends, experienced coaches, an encouraging family member – can be vital during seasons of doubt and loss of confidence. The Bible says that two are better than one because when one falls down, the other is there to help them back up. However, when we hit a season of damaged confidence, it is easy to isolate due to feeling depressed or embarrassed. But from my experience, when leaders have wise and encouraging voices in their lives, they come out of the dark cloud of doubt much faster and much healthier than those who do not.

5. Spend time with hopeful people.

Some people are experts at expressing hopefulness and positivity. Others, not so much. During times of declining confidence, you need a social diet that is weighted more towards people who are encouraging and fun. These people feel like a burst of fresh air and energy and leave you feeling renewed in your spirit. You still need people who will speak hard truth to you during such a season, but you need the right balance at the right time. Some people are naturally good at making you laugh, lightening the mood, and being a positive distraction. And this is what you will periodically need during a season of self-doubt.

6. Take risks.

Yes, taking risks sounds counter-intuitive because doubt and loss of confidence result in playing it safe. After all, the last thing you need is another failure, right? But, like a pilot flying in the clouds, you do not come out of the fog by stopping. You have to keep flying. For example, after a very successful career in sales, a friend was in a season of extended underemployment and had several “almosts” – believing the interview went well and an offer was just around the corner, but it never arrived. It is so easy to convince yourself that maybe you are not good enough – maybe you have lost your edge and you are not as marketable as you once were. But you need to get up, pursue another opportunity, and take on another risk of rejection because it is often through such risk that confidence can be rebuilt.

To learn more about how our coaches and consultants can assist you in rebuilding your confidence, contact us.

Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.