“Tell it like it is.” “Be honest.” These are just a few of the phrases we often hear when it comes to candor. To speak to someone with candor is to speak with forthrightness. But it is easier said than done. People tend to either be so blunt that they do not reflect any compassion or so compassionate that they withhold vital input. And, have you ever noticed how those who cry out the most about the importance of candor in their organization or team like to give it but do not like it when others are forthright with them? Candor sounds great until it comes your way.
Our goal as leaders, managers, and friends should be compassionate candor – speaking to others in a way that is both forthright AND caring; this can also be referred to as “Constructive Engagement.” Remember that not everything we see in someone needs to be addressed. That would make me even more annoying than I already am! But behaviors or shortcomings that can cause harm to ourselves, to our organizations, or to others need constructive engagement.
Caring vs. Confronting
Where do you fall in the chart below?
Where would others place you?
Where would you place these well-known characters? Sheldon Cooper - The Big Bang Theory, Robert Herjavec - Shark Tank, Mr. Rogers - Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, Marie Baron - Everybody Loves Raymond
Why is compassionate candor not more common? The primary answer is FEAR. Fear of losing a relationship, fear of losing a job or opportunity for advancement, and fear of the stress and awkwardness that come with being forthright.
Remember this: when considering candor, people tend to over-estimate the potential for bad outcomes and under-estimate the potential for good outcomes.
How to move towards Compassionate Candor
If you are on the giving end of Compassionate Candor, follow these steps:
Know yourself: Which quadrant am I normally in and why?
Ask yourself: What is the issue, and is it important enough or necessary?
Prepare yourself: Balance care and confrontation by being…
Direct: Talk directly to the person rather than talking to everyone else about him or her.
Specific: Give examples or illustrations that would help the person better understand what you are talking about and why it is important.
Non-punishing: Use language and tone that is adequate enough for them to hear you in light of his or her unique personality, but do not be damaging or toxic. As a general rule, if you are angry, wait.
And if you are on the receiving end of Compassionate Candor, remember the following:
Defensiveness is normal, so be aware and manage it.
Be humble enough to listen respectfully.
Seek feedback BEFORE it comes to you unsolicited.
Contact us to learn how our experienced coaches can assist you in creating a culture of compassionate candor in your organization!
Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
