When I was in high school, my friends, cousin, and I used to work out together in my basement. Inclined sit-ups on the steps. Push-ups on our knuckles on the concrete floor. Bench presses while making the typical masculine “grunting” sounds. And the infamous protein shakes with a few raw eggs included (you would think my cousin who was in medical school would have known that is a “no-no”!). We invited my friend Big Al to come since he had a large neck and massive biceps – we all aspired to become like Big Al.
After months of this rigorous training, we were still very average (although a bit healthier) and realized there was no magic formula for growing massive muscles in average bodies. Similarly, there is no magic formula for becoming a resilient person, but there are specific practices we can implement to strengthen our ability to rebound from disappointment. Here are 7 ways we “average” people can grow above-average endurance.
1. Remember that turbulence is normal.
It is my goal in life to avoid pain. And I don’t think I am alone. But that is not realistic. I am no more likely to avoid pain than I am to avoid flies at a barbecue. I find that often when a leader is experiencing a heavy load of stress, he or she can think that they are the only one. Why do others have it so easy?! In reality, everyone will experience turbulence. You might say that every leader is either heading into turbulence, in the middle of it, or emerging from it. Sometimes we can gather strength from reminding ourselves that adversity is normal, and just like others, we will get through it too.
2. Remind yourself that you are stronger than you think.
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is a theory that explains the transformation that can take place due to trauma. It was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, Ph.D., and Lawrence Calhoun, Ph.D., in the mid-1990s and holds that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward. In his book The End of Trauma, Dr. George Bonanno says that we are hard-wired to be resilient. In fact, his research shows that the majority of people who experienced a traumatic event had little to no symptoms or distress two years later, with many having very limited signs of distress at all. Everyone is different. So, if you are not rebounding the way you had hoped, it’s wise to seek professional help. But it is also important to remind yourself that you are much stronger than you think.
3. Reflect on the fact that difficult circumstances do not need to destroy us.
I love the words from the Apostle Paul written in the Bible where he says that he was hard pressed, crushed, perplexed, but NOT destroyed. Our consultants talk every day with leaders who are experiencing tough circumstances – business challenges, moral failures, employee turnover. When we help leaders deal with crises, one of our goals is to provide HOPE. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp, found that prisoners who experienced a sudden loss of hope often died soon after. But those who were able to remain hopeful survived. Difficult does not mean destruction. Even the most challenging season eventually will pass.
4. Change the chatter in your brain.
In his book Chatter, Dr. Ethan Kross notes that we talk to ourselves at a rate of 4,000 words per minute! When we experience difficult events in our lives, catastrophic thinking can often dominate which leads to negative chatter. But Kross discovered that when we talk to ourselves in the third person (what he refers to as “distanced self-talk”), giving wise advice to ourselves, we can receive positive results in as little as one second! An example of this is Nick Foles, who went from being a second-string quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles to leading the team to win the Superbowl in 2018. He said that whenever he was having a bad game, he reminded himself, “Wow, you’re really stinking it up out here today. But it’s not the end of the world. You can get out of this. Just stop being so serious. Go sling the ball and have some fun.” That is a practical example of distanced self-talk.
5. Hit the brakes on thinking too far ahead during adversity.
I love reading about endurance. I find it especially easy to do so from my recliner with a Diet Coke in one hand and a pretzel in the other. Seriously, I am amazed at stories of extraordinary grit. When reading books from those who survived the military’s training for Special Forces including the Navy Seal program, I learned something that has proven practical and helpful. Those who successfully finished said that during the extremely brutal training, if you thought too far ahead, you would quit. Only think about the next few minutes, not the next few days. This is great advice when you are up to your eyes in difficulty and about to drown. Focus on getting through the next few steps, not the next few weeks. Leadership is a marathon, not a sprint!
6. Avoid feeding negative thoughts to one another.
We are often encouraged to talk about our feelings which can be helpful at times. But Belgian psychologist Bernard Rime found that talking about our negative experiences does not always help us feel better. In one study that tracked people who went through crises such as 9/11 and the shooting at Northern Illinois University, they found that, in some cases, those who shared their feelings the most experienced the greatest distress. In certain cases, people talking more about negative events in their lives can lead to more questions which can lead to more sharing which can lead to – you get the point. This is referred to as co-rumination. This does not mean we should never talk about our hardships, only that we cannot assume it will always result in feeling better, especially when done with the wrong people.
7. Have a strong support team.
I recently toured a wire rope company. It was awesome to see how the number and thickness of the wire strands woven together can result in having the strength to lift massive machinery exponentially larger than the wire itself. Those strands are like the people who support us. They make us much stronger than we would ever be alone. This is reinforced in the Bible when it says we should pity the person who falls and has no one to help. Every leader will hit turbulence, some of which can be damaging. A support team can make the difference between quitting and rebounding. And remember, it is better to ask for help before your emotional engine crashes rather than after.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with extremely difficult circumstances, the thoughts shared in this blog may help but also may not be enough. Sometimes the most resilient people are also the ones who are courageous enough to seek the help and support they need from a trusted friend, professional counselor, or spiritual advisor.
For more on resilience, read our blog on the unexpected feelings that often tag along with the resilient leader.
Contact us to learn how our experienced coaches can assist you in becoming a more resilient leader.
Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
