Candor is one of the most misunderstood and underutilized attributes of good leadership. Compassionate candor is speaking to others in a way that is both forthright and caring. This means speaking plainly and straightforward, being frank, and NOT beating around the bush. It also means telling the truth but doing it with care for the overall organization and the individual involved.

In the book of Proverbs, it says: “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken at the right time. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to an ear that listens and learns.” Proverbs 25:11-12 (AMP)

Get that picture in your mind – solid gold apples in silver bowls. It says they are like a word spoken at the right time. Candor involves telling the truth and saying it with care, which means saying it at the right time. “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover.” In other words, the person speaking with candor is a great gem in the ear to the one that “listens and learns.” Meaning we both give candor, and we receive it.

Look at the following candor matrix. On one axis is care for the individual, and on the other axis is confrontation. If you are going to speak the truth, you have to confront. And if you are going to be a person that is like an apple of gold in a bowl silver, you have to care for the person. Here are the four approaches to balancing care and confrontation when giving candor and helpful tips for how to give and receive it well.

Destructive Aggression (Low Care, High Confrontation)

This is the style of someone who is high in confrontation but low in care. They can be very brutal, aggressive, straightforward, and will leave you feeling bruised and unappreciated. And it is unlikely that you will heed what they said.

Passive Instigation (Low Care, Low Confrontation)

Someone whose style is passive instigation (low care, low confrontation) never tells you what they are really trying to say. They use shrouded language, analogies, and beat around the bush. They talk about the mysterious “they” or “others” when they are actually talking about you. This person does not care about you, and in many cases, they do not care about the organization. If they cared about the organization, they would want to help you be a better performer.

Shortsighted Sympathy (High Care, Low Confrontation)

In the top left corner, we have people whose style is high care but low in confrontation, also known as short-sighted sympathy. They are given to flattery. If someone gives you a critique, they will come along and say, “Don't listen to them, you are great at that!” They will try to soften it, but they soften it to your own harm. They are not really helping you.

Constructive Engagement (High Care, High Confrontation)

The last quadrant is the sweet spot. As leaders, I hope you will work at developing constructive engagement. This is often called constructive criticism, but we say “engagement” because you are not just telling the person what they need to know, you are also coming alongside to help them know how to implement it.

When someone is critical of you, be thankful. Sometimes they are your best allies. Why? Because they are telling you the truth. Even if they are down in those lower quadrants, truth is truth, and it will help you grow. But the people that will be best for you to build relationships with are those that will tell you the truth in a way that builds you up instead of tearing you down.

Tips for Giving & Receiving Candor

If you are giving candor, keep these two tips in mind.

Be specific (motive, context, content). Tell them, “Here's what I think would help you.” Make sure that they understand the context you are coming from, “I'm talking to you directly, and I really care about you.”
Be supportive (private, resourceful, affirming). Do it in private and do not make it a big scene. Do not give your advice so that others can see how wise you are; give it so the other person knows how much you care. Be resourceful – send them articles, email or call them to tell them a helpful thought. And let them know you are there for them.

If you are on the receiving end of candor, remember these three things.

Be aware of defensive routines. No one likes to get critiqued. But instead of going into combat mode and defending yourself, listen carefully and you will gain. If you listen, people will be more inclined to give you pertinent advice in the future. If you blow up, they will not see any value in telling you in the future since you do not listen.
Be thankful. Let them know you are thankful that they cared enough to tell you. You just received a gift, use it wisely.
Be a giver to others. Learn the skills to be a person of both compassionate and constructive candor.

Like Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” The people who come alongside of us and speak the truth into our lives are so valuable. And you can be that kind of person to your team members as well.

How have you been a giver or receiver of candor?

For more on this topic, read How to Handle Confrontation with Compassionate Candor.

Dave Marks, D.Min. Associate Director, Senior Consultant - The Center Consulting Group - Leadership Coaching and Consulting for Businesses, Churches, and Nonprofits

Dave Marks is a Senior Consultant at The Center Consulting Group and has over 35 years of church ministry experience including 23 years as a senior pastor. His consulting experience includes ministry assessment, leadership coaching, and strategic planning. Dave’s degrees include a B.S. in Bible, an M.S. in Organizational Leadership and a D.Min. in Leadership.